An American Girl at Hogwarts? ? ?
by ESP
Summary: YES! Apparently, the Americans are desperate to shove their Mary Sues off on us! Join the gang as they try to solve the mystery of the dreaded AMERICAN EXCHANGE STUDENT! Is she a veela queen? Is she Harry's twin sister? Is she the heir of Jesus? FIND OUT!
1. The American Girl

An American at Hogwarts?

This is a parody, in case you skimmed the heading. I have actually seen more than nineteen stories with this exact title. So, this is ME, making fun of those who write such trite, contrived self-insertion fics. Sadly, I have seen much worse. I have decided not to put in the bad grammar and spelling that usually accompanies such fics, for clarity's sake.

This is my homage to the Mary-Sues of Harry Potter, particularly, the dreaded AMERICAN EXCHANGE STUDENT. There is much mystery involving her background.

Is she a veela?  
Is she Harry's twin sister?  
Is she the love of Draco's life!  
Is she a Quidditch champion?  
Does she have hidden magical powers of glory!  
Is she the heir of Slytherin! And Gryffindor! And Jesus?  
FIND OUT!

You'll notice a (not so) gradual shift from normal to completely inane.

* * *

Chapter 1: The American Girl

"Ron! Harry!" Hermione waved cheerily at her boys as they trundled towards the Hogwarts Express.

"Hey 'mione." Ron shrugged over and gave her a hug. Harry leaned his head against them.

Hermione stepped back.

"I've already got us a compartment. You two are _so _late! Apparently, you've spent the summer together but Ginny is conveniently not here!" The whistle for the last call blew, and they hurried inside.

"So, anything new?" Harry inquired.

"Well, there's a war on. We're trying to defeat the greatest Dark wizard of all time." She paused. "But that's not fun!"

"Right!" Ron chimed. "Harry probably already defeated him! With telekinetic, psychopathic, shapeshifting powers!"

"Mostly!" Harry cried.

"So, on to the _important _stuff. Yay!" Hermione squealed, for effect. She leaned in and glanced around suspiciously. Nobody noticed this freakishly rapid facial change. They were too busy trying to get their eyes to go as wide as possible. For drama's sake.

"Tell us already! We are nosy gossips and we forgot how to act like boys!"

"Okay!" She cried. "Did you hear about the _American Exchange _student?"

The boys shook their heads dutifully. "No! We don't know anything you haven't told us!"

"Well, it's obviously the most important thing that's going on in our lives. And because we don't have time to sit around and act normal, I think that's her barging in right now!" The compartment door was busting open as she finished her sentence.

"Shut it Mudblood, it's just me." A blonde head poked in.

"Yeah, it's just Draco." Ron agreed.

"Malfoy," corrected Harry.

Draco looked over at Hermione in exasperation. "Do you know if we're getting on or not?"

She looked thoughtful for a moment as the boys waited patiently.

"I imagine not. It'll be more woe for the American if she has to choose between the Slytherins and the Gryffindors. So go away!"

"Yes Ma'am! Oh, before I go, I'm snotty and therefore privilege to information you lot don't know about. I must rub it in your face!"

"As per usual!" Hermione cried.

They high-fived.

"Right. So, apparently, the American Girl is a _veela_!"

"NO!" Ron and Harry cried.

"Surely not, no!" Hermione added.

"Yes! She will be hypnotizing people left and right and every slightly attractive boy (and girl) will be bumbling to be near her! All three of you will be smitten! Plus, she's totally an EMO veela! Silver hair and silver SAFETY PINS!"

Harry considered a moment.

"That is either completely ridiculous and implausible, or 'rully hott'." They waited for him to decide. Malfoy glanced at his watch.

"Well... apparently it's RULLY HOTT! Omg, I can't wait to see her! She probably knows ALL ABOUT dark magic, art and also music! And probably also has cool powers and a destiny!"

"Harry. Did you just say 'omg'?" Hermione glared at him.

"No! Yes. Uhm… aren't I allowed to?"

"Well, seeing as it doesn't have a vowel and I don't see how you'd pronounce it…" Hermione trailed off. "HECK YES!" They squealed in delight.

"Alright!" Ron cried. Just because he hadn't had a line in a little while.

Malfoy looked to join in their laughter but remembered to smolder instead. His eyes are gray, remember, so he must be very good at it.

"Oh yeah, and she might look like she's related to me, so there's some mystery. My girlfriend? My sister? YOU WON'T KNOW!" And with an evil cackle, Malfoy swept out, never mind the lunch cart lady.

"He forgot Crabbe and Goyle." Ron noted. The two gooey lumps flopped over on the carpet, flailing. Harry nudged them under the seats.

* * *


	2. The Silvery Queen

Chapter Two: The Silvery Queen

As Harry and Ron finished off another Pumpkin Pastie, Luna Lovegood floated in. Her hair was twisted into a new, more intricate hairstyle, and she wore more jewelry than usual.

"This year, I am not only slightly wacky and drifty, I'm also psychic! I am the new Seer!" Luna declared.

The trio looked at each other.

And they said, "Okay!"

"So, O great oracle, what ill tidings bode? What brings you to our dismal doorstep? What news from the Mark?" Hermione asked, grasping Luna's hand.

"Hermione, why are you talking all weird?" Ron asked.

"Shut _up, _Ron. That's how you have to talk to psychic people. Or else their powers will fail and their insides will shrivel up and they will just be creepy old ladies again."

"Oh yeah. I remember that."

So they all stared back at Luna for several moments, tense. She looked around.

"What?"

Hermione tilted her head impatiently. "The prophecy, O great oracle?"

"Oh! Right. Sorry. I'll get on with it then." Luna said, nodding.

She simultaneously went into convulsions and a trance-like state because apparently it's difficult to decide which one is cooler.

"_The silvery queen will arrive_

_and behold all the pawns in her eye_

_but appearances aren't what they seem_

_she too has.. uh.. a weird dream_

_of hidden green and black unseen._

_And also she probably has green eyes_

_And don't forget to keep everything italicized."_

And Luna emerged from her convulsive trance, blinking.

Ron's face registered a good "What. The. Fuck?" But instead he shrieked, "Luna you are soooo kewel! I am warm for your form!"

"Thank you, Ronald. Oh, shit. You're talking to me all normal."

She shriveled up.

"Oops. Sorry."

"Eh. No big. I'm an auxiliary character anyway." Her wrinkly old husk waddled away, crablike. The other students skirted it in the hall and she cackled, zooming around.

"So, what to you think it could mean?" Hermione asked, shutting the door again. They all crowded around conspiratorially. Let's not forget how easily secrets get spread around Hogwarts. Wouldn't want there to be a wave of abject adoration and hero worship for one American Girl. Nope.

"Well, I think it means Luna is really bad at rhyming." Harry supplied.

"No, stupid!" Hermione bopped him on the head. "It means the American Girl is your twin sister! Duh! Green eyes? Black unseen? Come on!"

Harry looked at Ron in disbelief.

"No, she's right," he agreed. "She's the only one that knows anything. Besides, is there any way for the American Girl to be any cooler? I don't think so. This is the best way for her to have awesome powers and a beautiful eye-color."

"Her eyes could be purple." Harry suggested.

"Hmm. That is a thought." Ron agreed.

Hermione sighed. "This could be a problem, though. She'll be freakishly attractive and you'll have a hard time remembering she's your sister. In fact, she might turn out not to be your sister after all if things get too boring and we need you in a love triangle."

"Very well." Harry said gravely. "Will her eyes be purple in that case?"

"Yes" Hermione confirmed. "Except for when they flash silver. You know. When she gets angry because she has a wicked temper. Or when she gets all hot and bothered because she has a wicked appetite for hot sex."

"Yes," agreed Ron. "You'll forever be peering into the shimmering depths of her orbs, wondering idly at the mystery and wishing, oh wishing, that you could only hold her."

"Very good, Ron. She also will have a tragic past, so her eyes will be empty and blank half of the time. This must distress you. Got it?"

"Oh my God." Harry said. Even though he never says that. "I haven't taken anything this seriously since… I don't know. Certainly not Voldemort. And I seem to have forgotten completely about Sirius."

"That's convenient!" Ron cried.

"Yes! Now we are able to concentrate wholly on the arrival of the American Girl!"

"Huzzah!" All three cried.

"So, is she my sister or not?"

TBC...


	3. The Chosen One

Chapter Three: The Chosen One

Some time later, (though, how much later, we'll never know) Neville knocked on the door.

"Come on in, Neville." Ron called.

"Hey guys." Neville had buffed up over the summer and looked suddenly really hot. That is because the more hot boys there are, the more an American Girl can flirt with/have mad hot sex with. It's your basic Mary Sue/Bishounen Relative Proportions Theorem. Clearly.

They waited while Neville's new hotness sunk in. Hermione tapped her fingers impatiently.

"What's up?" Harry asked finally. (Even though he is British and they don't really say that.)

"I have big news. The American Girl is the _seeker for the American Quidditch Team_!" Neville shrieked.

"No!" Hermione cried.

"Surely not!" Ron cried.

"_Yes!_" Neville cried. "She's the youngest professional seeker _ever_!"

"I AM ALREADY IN LOVE!" Harry yelled.

"NO! She's your _sister_!" Hermione whapped him on the head.

"Can't she be _Draco_'_s _sister?" Harry whined.

Hermione pressed a finger to her lips.

"Please?" He made puppy-dog eyes at her.

She sighed.

"Fine."

"So, what else do you know about her?" Harry asked, suddenly very eager.

"Well, I don't know if I'm at liberty to say…"

"Clearly, you are! Otherwise you wouldn't have come in at all! You are only a plot device." Ron deduced. Hermione gave him a pat on the head.

"Neville, you're too peripheral." She agreed.

"Oh. Right." Neville said. "Well, anyways, I _do_ have more. The American Girl's name is… Tsfiria Nightenblossom!"

"What a beautiful name." Harry sighed.

"She must come from some place _exotic_!" Hermione sighed.

"I'll bet she's Egyptian, Indian, Cherokee, Amazon, and Japanese mixed," Ron sighed.

"Yes. Well, anyway. See you all later, lads. I'm off," Neville said, because they sounded like very British things to say.

"Yeah, see you Neville. Don't forget to hook up with my sister if you see her- can't have Ginny getting in the way of the American Girl. But don't forget- you also have to lust after Tsfiria in secret," Ron said.

"Yeah, sure, Ron."

"And go tell Seamus and Dean, so they can lust after Tsfiria as well!" Hermione added.

"Okay."

He was gone.

"That's odd," Hermione commented.

"What's odd?" Asked Ron predictably.

"Well, I'd been _told _she was of the Pheonix clan, one of the Chosen Firebirds." Hermione said nonchalantly, like that actually existed. .

Harry looked as if he wanted to say 'what the fuck?' for a split second, but instead he squealed.

"That's sooooo awesome! I bet she has special fire elemental powers!" He clasped his hands together.

"Well, yes, but apparently she's the heir to _all four elements_- a Chosen Wavecrasher, a Chosen Flowerheart, and a Chosen Stratus." The other two gasped.

"I don't even know what that _means _and it sounds cool." Ron said in an awed tone.

"Yes. Clearly, due to these silly names, she had mastered the power of harnessing the elements with her raw magic to do her bidding. She's very powerful."

"I'll bet she'll send rain to put out a fire." Ron decided.

"She'll strike someone down with lightning!" Harry cried.

"When she walks, golden flowers grow in her wake!"

The boys began giggling together, because really, Tsfiria made them all wobbly inside.

"So what's the odd part?" Harry inquired, as if this were all normal occurrence.

"Well, if she's a Nightenblossom…" She paused because she loved having them hang on her every word, "that means she's a Vampiress. And I didn't know Vampires could do elemental magic."

"VAMPIRE!" Harry and Ron yelled. "That's so awesome and angsty!"

"Yes, and I expect she's the first vampire to have elemental powers."

"Of course." Harry said. "Nothing less from my beloved."

"What do you mean, _your _beloved?" Ron demanded.

"She's destined for _me_!" Harry jabbed his thumb to his chest.

"Noooo. She'll LOVE an adorable red-head." Ron grinned.

"No. The hero always gets the girl." Harry crossed his arms.

"Luna said she's your SISTER." Ron poked Harry.

"Luna's a crackpot." Harry knocked his hand away.

"BOYS!" Hermione cried. "She'll probably end up in a Blaise/Draco threesome."

" No! Never!" Her boys cried. "we must prevent the evil Slytherins from sinkng their claws into her!"

Hermione was very impressed with how well they yelled in unison.

"Well, we'll see. Just stop bickering over her."

She paused to replay her words in her head.

"Actually, I take that back. Have a duel to the death. While she tries in vain to intercede, sparkling tears pouring down her cheeks."

The two best friends looked at each other.

"WIZARD'S DUEL IT IS!"


End file.
